reflections

Today is my 37th birthday. I spent the day running errands alone with time to reflect on the past year. I was overjoyed all day to receive birthday wishes on social media.I went into work to buy stuff for my birthday dinner. Everyone greeted me with even more birthday wishes. This morning I brought my older dog to the vet to treat an ear infection. An uneventful day is always a bonus. I am never quite "at ease" but as an introvert I always feel clearer minded after some solitude.

When I got home I got on Facebook and found a link to a very thought-provoking podcast about "PTSD in mothers(and fathers)of children who have a serious or life-threatening illness." It got me thinking about how I have felt off and on since Cady was born.

I can feel fine and then suddenly hear a noise or something that triggers a panic attack. I wake up from nightmares about both kids that set me off. I won't get into those now. I always wanted to be a horror fantasy writer, but I never imagined that this would be stranger than fiction.

In one of Cady's drug-induced moments in the hospital, I had placed her rigid body on the toilet. She kept leaning over and trying to swipe the blue-and-white tiles like it was part of a game on my phone. Later, I was taking a shower at the hospital and had a moment where I started to wobble and I felt like I was in a big, numb, white bubble. I looked at the tiles and they started to shift. I had to close my eyes to steady myself. Those tiles have always remind me of hospitals.

Everyone is going through something right now that you know nothing about.

"Life would be funny if it weren't so tragic."--Stephen Hawking

I am surrounded by some of the strongest people I have ever known. I know that no matter how messed up life gets that all anyone can do is keep going. Sometimes it's the biggest challenge life has to offer.